A Genuine Catch 22

I am stuck.

Next year Sheri returns to full-time classes at Biola. Which means that while presently we share the responsibility of making the money off of which we subsist, next year I get that job to myself. Unfortunately, there's a problematic factor; we have a son. More to the point, presently I spend a lot of time watching him. Next year, that's not going to be a possibility.

So, here's the problem: I need to work. To work enough to carry us through to the end of Sheri's education, I'll need to work at least two jobs, possibly three simultaneously (stupid, stupid, STUPID for not getting my credential while I was in school...but that's water under a bridge somewhere as they say...) But, in order for me to work that much, we'll need to put Aiden into daycare in one form or another. Daycare costs money...even if its the cheapest available, it costs money. And if I am working like crazy, and Sheri's fulltime in school...we'll be missing a lot of time with our son.

So, what do you do? Worst case scenario, the cost to take care of Aiden could almost cancel out one of my incomes (which we couldn't afford). Staying home and accruing debt doesn't seem like a good option, even if we might need to get more debt despite the fact that I'll be working like crazy...

Sigh.

I hate money. I hate this "in between" period. I'm looking at other Christian schools, but honestly I don't know how good the prospects are. I have an offer for part-time this year, and full-time next year, though even at full-time I'll be getting a salary in the low $20,000's, and that's a year from now. At part time, its a lot less than that (almost 1/2 less)...I love the school, but I am not sure how it can work. I told Sheri that it might work if I pick up another part-time job for the afternoons and extend my Starbucks hours for every night of the week...which allows me almost no time for grading papers, to say nothing of family time or even sleep. A voice in my head is screaming, "Didn't I go to college (and spend/borrow a lot of money I might add) to get something better than this?!?!?!?"

Of course, this wasn't the plan. I needn't mention the plans in college that failed...even in this past year plans haven't worked out the way they were supposed too...I should have guessed--it seemed so possible to make it work out that I should have been clued in. My plans DON'T work out. I worry about money and lose a job I should have had without trying--a job I earned with two years of exemplary work! I work to get licensed to sell insurance and work at becoming a financial advisor...and nobody will meet with me. I know there's a point to all of this...its just hard to accept sometimes.

The neat thing in the midst of a fairly dismal outlook is this recurring fact...God hasn't abandoned us. We were in church yesterday, and were reading John, the 18th chapter...the betrayal and trial and scourging of the Christ. Two thoughts kept coming into my head throughout the service...first, that a faithful God calls for our obedience regardless of the cost because He is faithful and so should we be. Secondly...sometimes that obedience will not result in relief from the trial. We have been growing a lot in the past months. Sheri and I have decided to deliberately change the way we live and to honor God first whether we can "afford it" or not. Generally, this has brought on changes of only good--we feel greater peace in our lives, even though we should have less than before. I keep believing that our faith will not be unanswered, and have not been disappointed...and I suppose I secretly harbor the hope that a miracle will happen and we'll wake up one day and find that we have been given the gift of comfort and security.

But yesterday a possibility that I have considered once or twice made a strong impression on me as I listened to the word of God...what if we are faithful and give and that is good...and God allows us not to survive? What if the storm comes and we cannot weather the waves? Surely God is still good...surely He hasn't forgotten us...but what then? What happens when I cannot take care of my family? It is, unfortunately, a reality I know we are not unique in facing...and I also know all too well how easy it would be to lose all our presumed security. We often assume that faithfulness from God means that we will ride out the waves that come our way...but that's obviously a misperception--even Jesus died in the end. Yes, good triumphs and God is always a good God, and I cannot be convinced that my loss somehow changes the very nature of God. God is good...for that truth I would die without a thought. But sometimes that good God allows us to really, honestly lose, without the hope of ever rising again in this life. That's a difficult truth to process for some reason.

Anyways, things will work out. We'll have to work hard, and life may not always resemble the goal that we have for it, but that doesn't mean its over. Aiden will grow up fine and Sheri and I will, God willing, love each other for decades. That's a success, especially in today's world. I want to leave a mark on the world, other than being one of those that worked three mostly unimportant jobs to make ends meet...but I can leave that fight for another day. Today, I just take another step on this road and trust that the God I have commited to serve with my life will always be the one guiding my road, wherever it leads.