Bed Time and Glimpses of the Divine.

I know that every husband, every wife and every parent, see images of God in the new relationships they are experiencing. I did on my wedding day. I did when we discovered that from us two would come a son. And last night, I experienced yet another glimpse of the divine through the simple interaction of putting my son to sleep.

He's been very tired. Got his shots (from a free clinic) and has been very tired as a result. Its been very hot recently, so putting him to sleep is something of a problem--he likes to be swaddled and then goes right to sleep--we have tried not swaddling him, and he keeps himself awake, even when he desperately wants to go to sleep. However, this makes him so hot that he'll wake up later in discomfort. So last night we decided to let him sleep on his own--no blankets, cause he'll pull them over his head and cry even more. This was no fun, for Aiden or his parents. He cried so hard, but we had resolved not to help him to sleep--he needed to learn to fall asleep himself. The most we would allow was giving him back his Nuk (pacifier) every now and then. Well, he had cried for about half an hour when I went in to see him. He was lying there, just crying as hard as he could, and upon seeing me raised his arms reaching out for me. I felt bad for him, but was only going to put his Nuk back in his mouth and then leave again. Or so I thought.

When I reached down and gave him the Nuk, he reached up and grabbed onto my wrist. His tiny hand held it and instantly he grew quieter. I stroke his head and whispered that everything was going to be fine--that he needed to sleep. He closed his eyes but mainatined his grip on my hand...and I started to pull away. Instantly he was awake and crying again. I relaxed my hand and again soothed him to sleep. I stayed with him, watching him finally find the peace of sleep. Every now and then his free hand would reach over and stroke my hand which he had never let go. It wasn't until I had waited a full five minutes after he closed his eyes before I was able to gently slide my hand from his and leave him to dream.

I know I didn't do it "right" and that Aiden didn't fall asleep entirely on his own as a result. But I couldn't leave him when just holding my hand gave him peace that he was incapable of finding on his own.

Its probably fairly obvious what parts of this remind me of our relationship with God. All too often I have been the infant crying for even the slightest amount of attention, believing myself to be lost in a bed that offers none of the attention I so desperately crave from my heavenly father. Worse still--often like Aiden I feel that I am not even strong enough to enable myself to move and go where I want to go--and in utter helplessness I feel abandoned.

What was unique for me last night, however, was the other perspective. As the parent. I know that Aiden is alright--even as he screams bloody murder--I know that he is exactly where he needs to be because he needs sleep. And this exercise isn't because I like hearing him scream (far from it!); its so he can grow and learn how to sleep in peace himself. I wanted to help him--to hold him and put him to sleep--but he wouldn't learn then--and probably wouldn't sleep even if I did hold him. The only thing I could do was let him cry and learn the lesson. Then, when I did stand next to the crib and let him hold my hand for comfort...more clearly than I have ever before, I think I saw a little better how God looks on us. The joy that offering even a little comfort can bring is so great, its hard to express. I couldn't leave my son last night...not in the face of the simple need that he had. It made me consider what is actually going on when I feel alone and abandoned by God. Surely He, more than I ever will, understands the needs of my heart. Surely He does not abandon us when we cry out--even if it feels like it. Surely He is with us, even to the end of the age.

The other thing this made me think about was what, exactly, the crucifiction must have meant. "My God, My God--why have You forsaken me?" How God must have wanted to reach out and comfort His son...my desire to offer Aiden a little peace can hardly compare--but because of last night I know a little bit more than I did before. To resist the urge to save His son...it seems impossible. Almost everyone recognizes the concept of sacrifice for romantic love...but sacrifice for paternal love is one we often discount. The love between the perfect father and the perfect son was sacrificed for us--at best, tainted orphans. An awe-some thought.

Not that these ruminations are unique or original. They're just special for me--as is any instance when the simplistic expands our understanding of the boundless eternal and divine. Hearing others explain the truth is never quite as life-altering as glimpsing it yourself.